I've finally reached a point now where I've decided I'm not going to just date anyone because I'm lonely. It's been a tough decision, but I'm pretty determined. When my broken marriage was new and the loneliness stark and painful, I was pretty desperate to find someone. I'm not saying I'm not keen to find someone right now as I have moments when the loneliness gets to me, but something has happened inside of me - a temperance and a desire to do things the right way.
I believe in God and I believe he loves us very much. Although I'm a pretty free-thinking person, I still rely strongly on my faith in my life. And I believe that God can show me the way forward in finding the love of my life. I truly believe there is someone there for me and that I will meet and fall in love with them at the right time. There are days when I wonder how long I will have to wait. Something in me believes it's not going to be too long, but another part of me believes that the timing has to be right and that I have to be ready in my heart for this person. Maybe I need more healing to take place. Maybe I need to grow as a person in certain ways. Sure, a part of me is pretty impatient, but I need to enjoy the process and journey to get there. I shouldn't always be hankering for the future when love will be in my life again. Every day is a gift and I'm going to relish each moment, no matter how hard.
Being an editor of romance novels has its pitfalls too. I keep reading lovely stories about heroines falling in love with sexy, wonderful men. It's really hard not to pine for such a thing in my own life. Yet, it's also nice to dream that it's possible.
I've reached a point now when my faith is influencing my decisions in dating. I feel strongly that I shouldn't be online dating. Maybe it's also Tinder burnout. Ugh. It really was awful and a complete waste of my time and such a yo-yo of emotions. I also believe the best way to meet someone is in real life - to see them in action and when around other people. There are times when I get tempted to go back on Tinder, but almost as soon as I go onto the app, I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's so impersonal. It's like putting a human being in your shopping cart as if they're a commodity to choose from a whole lot of others. Ugh.
I also felt God expressly tell me not to date a certain person even though I really like them! Sigh. This one has been one of the hardest ones to follow, but I believe God's gifted me with an intuition and I need to follow that. So, I've prayed to him and also asked the angels. I want to know this time when I meet a guy that he's the one. There are just too many fears in my heart now. I want to know right from the beginning that I can open my heart to someone, because I've been through enough. I can't bear to get my heart broken a second time. This time, I want someone who will commit to me for life. And God knows my heart. I'm trusting him to show me this person - that I will know in my heart when I get to know them. I will feel a "yes" in the depths of my being.
The hardest thing is resisting temptation. After being married for 20 years, my body really, really wants a man to love. But I'm not going to sleep around. My desire now is to wait for that man who is committed to me. I'm not going to give my heart away dozens of times (and risk my health in the process too). I don't have a legalistic idea about sex in the Bible, but I do believe that sleeping with every guy we date is not good for women. I think the ideas in the Bible are there to protect women. Modern-day beliefs that we need to check out the compatibility of all these potential mates only hurts the souls of women because when we sleep with a guy, we give him a part of our heart. I even read somewhere that their DNA enters our bloodstream and stays there the rest of our lives. It's quite a scary thought actually. I don't judge anyone who doesn't think like I do. We all have different ways of navigating this treacherous world of dating, but this is just something that I believe. It's taken me a while to come back to this belief, as I thought it was a little outdated. Now, I believe it's there for my good. I have to confess that there are days when I want to throw caution to the wind and just forget this stupid determination I've made. Some days I just want to have that fling with a sexy man even if I know it's not going to lead to forever. I'm not going to promise that I'll stick to my guns, but I admit, that something has happened deep in my heart. It's like I know I want to do this the right way now. I know God is going to help me to, no matter how tempting it is. I don't want the fallout of a fling anymore. I want real, genuine love. I won't settle for less.