Friday, April 6, 2018

One of the Main Reasons I Don't Write Erotic Romance Anymore & Was Never Really Good at It

18+ only. Please don't proceed further if you're under 18.

I want to share something that I deem very important for the well-being of the females on this planet. What I write below may not resonate with you, and that's fine. I write this to help people and in no way to judge anyone else and the path that works for them. Everyone is an individual and has their own story, and that's what's so beautiful about being on this big blue and green orb - we get to learn from each other and learn to be tolerant with each other.

Something happened after the sexual revolution of the 60s - women were liberated. And men. Women were suddenly allowed to enjoy sex. And explore their sexuality. What a wonderful thing!

Then pornography happened (or maybe it had always been there). I don't know exactly when pornography started up, but I suppose it grew more with the advent of the internet. Before it was just those magazines teen boys used to slot under their mattresses. Now it's full-on videos of the act. People got access to finding out about sex without having to read dry literature or ask their elders (blush, blush). Soon after e-books came out. Erotic romance was written and published, and read, long before Fifty Shades of Grey caught the world alight.

I'm not a fan of pornography and will give my reasons below. But with regards to erotic romance, there is much good in it. I find romance is pure feminism. It shows us ladies that we are meant to be loved, pampered, and pleasured. We are important and we don't just exist for the purpose of our husbands' sexual pleasure. We are to be honoured and pleasured too. Nor are we here just to propagate the human race. Erotic romance can put a woman in the mood and can show her what a good lover is all about. But...

I used to hate reading it sometimes because it made me feel like such a failure as a woman. I always struggled with multiple orgasms, and didn't really like a lot of the things that instantly worked for other women. It was made out to me by the books and my partner that there was something inherently wrong with me. When I took up writing erotic romance books (under a pseudonym), more to please him than myself, although I was curious about the genre, I tried to bring some realism into them. That backfired. My books didn't sell well at all. I struggled so much to write the genre. It was like wading through thick vegetable soup. I wasn't idealistic enough. And seeing it was a reflection of my real life, I wasn't sexy enough. I was just poop as a woman. Because our womanhood is totally based on how sexually acquiescent we are. (Sarcasm siren going off, big time.)

But when my relationship fell apart, a seed got planted in my psyche that maybe I wasn't the problem after all. That maybe it had to do with unrealistic expectations.

And since then I've read and heard of several things about the dangers of pornography. It's not like I've actively gone looking for this info, although at times I've tried. It's just popped up, as though my eyes have been opened and as though The Universe wants to assure me that I am wonderfully created and good enough just as I am.

Pornography is not based on real relationships and real sexuality; it's done according to a standard system, and the women are chosen according to a certain look (not just in their shape but also in their more intimate visuals). A lot of the time, these women hate their jobs and do it for the money and not for pleasure. It often objectifies women, revealing them as merely objects of pleasure and not human beings with moods and different tastes. (I'm sure it does the same for men but that's not what this article is about.) It shows seamless orgasms, without any issues, and need for patience and communication, and taking time to discover your partner. And MOST OF ALL, it doesn't represent the sexual tastes of the whole population.

And I'm afraid to admit that erotic romance sometimes does this too. Yes, it shows things from a woman's POV, how she gets pleasured. It helps us ladies know that we do deserve pleasure and a good man to give that to us. But it also often shows women who always have multiple orgasms, always orgasm (and in a violent, life-changing way every time), and always have every single need and desire met perfectly with every sexual encounter they have with their partners.

This sets up the stage for very unrealistic expectations.

But it's fantasy, you say.

Sure, it's fantasy, and if you can just see it that way and not let it influence your own relationship with your partner or with yourself as a human being, great, and good for you. But if it in any way makes you feel unworthy and inadequate as a woman, there is something intrinsically harmful about it for you. And if it makes your partner unhappy with you and messes up your relationship, because they have unrealistic expectations of you, then it's not healing womankind at all.

Today, I heard a podcast of an interview with feminist and sexuality educationalist, Melissa Fabello

The biggest thing I got out of the podcast was that not all women like multiple orgasms ( and not all of them have bigger-than-life experiences when they orgasm - for some it's just a simple feeling of satisfaction. Also, every one likes different things and it doesn't make you a bad or un-sexy person because you don't like certain things. It's not like your body is deliberately choosing to spite your partner. Sometimes, in erotic romance, the women seem to like everything. Every single thing. And the partners seem to instinctively know what they like without asking. I'm not criticizing the authors as you can't write a sex scene with stumbling and with a woman saying, "No, please don't do that. It's not nice." Because that wouldn't be very swoon-worthy to read. But hey, it would be really nice if someone could write a book like that one day - how a relationship actually wasn't perfect in the beginning, but the couple learned to communicate and work with mutual pleasure in a loving, patient, and understanding way. To me that would be the most romantic erotic romance ever!

That said, there are many amazing, beautiful, touching erotic romances that I read in my day job which I wouldn't want to change at all. I just want women to learn more about themselves and educate themselves so they are more able to love themselves and have healthy relationships with their partners. Melissa recommends this book, which I'm quite keen on reading. I can't vouch for it.

I'd love to hear your comments.

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