Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Working with My Shadow and Inner Child

As some of you may know, I am going to bring out a second self-love book. The plan is for it to be edited in April and hopefully brought out late April, early May. It's called "Falling Even Deeper - 30 More Days of Self-Love." Sometimes, our ability to love ourselves gets challenged by life and difficulties and relationships. We need to go deeper so we can rise up to meet those challenges and love ourselves through them. The book was born out of a challenging time after I wrote the first book - when my self-love got tested.

Two topics I touch on in the book are working with your shadow self and your inner child. I feel that this is a lifetime work and I only skimmed the surface in the book. This month I've gone inward a bit to work on those two areas some more.

It started after I went on a couple of dates with a guy I met. I really liked him and saw a potential between us, but then, after a few weeks, he told me he wasn't in a place for a relationship. He has gone through a lot of transition and stress lately. I told him I understood, but I was deeply disappointed. I've been struggling with it on and off since. Maybe it's because he's a guy I feel I have a lot more in common with than other ones I've gone on dates with. We have similar beliefs about life and religion and we share other similarities. Sure, I don't know him that well, but I felt an emotional bond with him almost from the beginning. I'm very cautious and I test the waters in a new relationship. Possibly my reticence put him off; I don't know.

Anyway, I felt ready to find someone this year, and I hoped that this was my chance. The longing to have a relationship has become stronger and stronger as I've healed from my divorce. I think about it often. Sometimes, I feel sad and lonely. I have my wonderful kids and they are great friends. They really are amazing people. But sometimes, I want that romantic relationship that fills a different spot. It's not that I'm not a happy person; in fact I have so many wonderful things in my life that fulfil me, but this desire for a romantic relationship doesn't seem to want to go away.

Anyway, I kind of got tired of this feeling the past few weeks. It doesn't help that online dating is a complete dead end. It seems that people go on dating sites either for hookups, catfishing, or to get validation that women like them, but they don't actually message you back or make any effort to start a relationship. A lot of the guys on the sites have had their pictures up for years and never taken them down. Sometimes, the dating sites do that. I work from home and most of my social groups comprise of women. How do I find someone, I keep thinking. Anyhoo...

I tried to think where this all-consuming need for a relationship has come from. I mean, many people have learned to be totally fulfilled as singles. The idea that we need to have a partner is something our culture has blown out of proportion. It's made out to be the answer to all our needs. Surely, I can do well without a partner. Photo by nappy at

So, why was I still feeling this empty spot? I thought back to a time when I was a kid, after my mother died. I felt really lonely then. I didn't have great friendships at school; my brother was a whole lot older than me and we didn't play together; my dad was battling his own grief and stress as a single dad. I used to write down everything I did each day in my diary. That was the only way I could get things off my chest. That feeling of abandonment was real. And I think that's the shadow work that I need to work on. I decided to do an inner child healing meditation this morning. It was really powerful. I thought back to that time in my life when I only had a diary to pour out my feelings on. I loved on that child. I loved my inner child. I told her I appreciated her. I told her sorry and please forgive me (based on the Ho'oponopono prayer) and I gave her a hug. And then it just hit me - like right between the eyes, ha. I suddenly realised that I had to go through that for a reason. I believe that we choose the lessons we have to learn in this life but that we are never alone. Whatever you believe is your higher power, and the angels, and guides, are with us all the time. We are always surrounded by love, more than we could ever imagine. That lonely feeling is just an earthly thing that we go through - I see it almost as a veil over our eyes that one day will be taken off.  It's a heavy earthly energy that we CAN overcome! We are always supported. I was never alone through those moments and the moments when my ex left me or I lost a relationship. I am always surrounded by love and those who love me, in the physical human world, and in the spiritual world. And I can be there for myself.

The thing is - writing in my diary was the first glimmers of my writing passion, or my life calling. It got me onto that road. And I thought of all the wonderful things I had in my childhood - my father spoiled me with a beautiful room, with a fancy hi-fi set and so much music, and I had many fun experiences, and he was really good to us. As in the present, we need to look at the good things in our lives and be grateful, so I had an opportunity to go back into my past and change my whole perspective of that lonely moment. It healed me. I was buzzing with joy and life afterward.

There are so many benefits with going inward in silence or in meditation and working with our inner child. Anyone can benefit, even if they had a close to perfect childhood. Because we need to get in touch with our inner child as it's a part of us that needs love, even when we're ninety years old. Our inner child taps into our passionate, innocent, free, joyful side. We need to get that back because sometimes we can be way too serious. I'm talking to myself here too. It's a part of ourselves that's in touch with our raw, basic need for love, attention, validation. When we deny that we have those needs, they get suppressed. When we condemn them or send ourselves shame for longing for those things, we actually make them scream out louder. But when we accept that there is a raw, childish, needy part of ourselves, and love on that part, we heal and grow and become more loving and peaceful toward ourselves and others.

I hope this blog post has spoken to you. I'm definitely still all for romance - I mean, I write romance. So even though I've been doing this work, it's still in my heart to find a beloved partner one day. I believe that this inner work is actually preparing me for a wonderful relationship. Hopefully soon! 💗