Tuesday, June 16, 2020

What is Demisexuality

It's pride month and I thought I would talk about an often seldom-talked-about sexuality - demisexuality.

Demisexual Pride Flag

What exactly is demisexuality?

Well, demi means half and it's like halfway towards the asexual spectrum. Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction and don't crave a sexual relationship. They may crave romance and be happy to share intimacy with someone they are romantically attracted to, but they don't long for it.

Demisexuality is when a person isn't attracted to anyone until they experience a deep emotional bond first. That may sound like what several people feel - they don't want to sleep with anyone until they have a solid, exclusive relationship first. But...there's a difference - demisexuals genuinely can't get themselves interested until they have a solid emotional connection first. They're not just being sensible about it. So, they may feel left out growing up as they're not into as many crushes and hookups as other young people. It's not that they don't have a sex drive, or don't have a desire for a sexual relationship; it's just that it doesn't happen as easily for them. For them, hookups and casual relationships are unpleasant and unfulfilling. They don't desire people just for nooky-nooky.

Isn't that like what religious people do? They don't want sex until marriage? No, that is a choice; although from what I've heard, not that many religious people have the strength and willpower to stick to that choice. For demisexuals, it's not a choice but a sexuality, an aspect of their natural bent.

The reason why I'm talking about this particular bent is that I think I'm partly demisexual. The reason I say "part" is that I can be attracted to someone straight away, but...I just can't get interested in a sexual relationship too soon. Growing up in a strict religious path, I didn't realise this about myself because we were required to wait it out. But there are several signs that I've got some demisexuality in me:

1. I wasn't boy crazy like other girls growing up. I often felt odd and different to others. I used to get crushes but they were really rare and part of the reason I got them is I felt I had to find a boy to crush on because everyone else was talking about it and I felt left out. There was only one time I developed a genuine crush on a guy and I think that's because he was really sweet and friendly toward me. Sadly, he decided to date my friend instead and I was devastated. At that age, it affects you so much. But yes, I didn't have posters up on my wall. I did get celebrity crushes though, which many demisexuals say they don't get.

2. I've never been into those pinups of bare-chested guys on book covers, etc. I could never understand what all the fuss was about. I tried to write erotic romance for a few years because I thought that would sell, but I really wasn't good at it, lol. That's because erotic romance is based on first a sexual relationship which then leads to something more. My erotic romances were just not sexy enough. I don't enjoy reading the genre either. Says a lot about me. I always prefer the slow-burn romances.

3. When I dated my first husband, I wasn't that into him at first. But we developed a special bond because we had a lot in common. Plus we did some fun things together. Suddenly, he became deeply attractive to me.

4. I am battling to date nowadays. With the advent of online dating, sadly we have become a hookup culture. Because there is such a choice out there now at the click of a button or a swipe right, people realise that they can have casual relationships so easily. Almost every relationship I've tried has ended in me breaking up with the guy because he wanted a sexual relationship almost straight away. There was only one guy I dated that didn't try to kiss me on the first date and he was religious. I thought maybe there was something wrong with the men nowadays but I've discovered that many women are also like that. As much as I may find a guy attractive, for some reason, I can't really enjoy a kiss on the first date. I think hookup culture isn't a good thing and is preventing a lot of young people from doing the hard work of building true intimacy.

But in the end, I'm still not sure I'm totally demisexual as I do feel attracted to people early on when I find them an appealing human. I wonder if my religious upbringing has played a part in the way I think and feel. I no longer believe it's good to wait until marriage anymore. I believe it's good to get to know someone sexually before you make that strong commitment. So, my religion isn't holding me back, but it could be subconscious. I know a lot of ex-religious people who have very active sex lives though.

Even though I'm not totally demisexual, I want to honour those who are. May you feel seen and heard and wish for others not think you're some strange anomaly. You are you and you deserve honour as a sexual being too. You do you!

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